Over the weekend, I had a huge breakthrough with the depressive side of my personality; it was great. Without getting too far into the dark side, I finally realized that I am worth it.
On Saturday, for the first real time, I stood up to my inner critic and told it to bugger* off. When I struggled while writing “Am I worth it?” in a little red notebook, writing the response YES was not a struggle.
For the first time since I can remember (like, decades here) I absolutely felt that my existence was worthwhile.
If you’ve known for a while that you’re awesome (you are!) and that it’s beautiful to know you’re awesome (you are!) you may be rolling your eyes at me … but if you know me, or have lived with a major depressive disorder, you may understand a little better about the struggle.
Around noon on Saturday, I pressed my own RESET button.
Something clicked and I got it.
The feeling I’ve had since Saturday might be likened to the same feeling when one opens the refrigerator at night. (Instantly blinded by everything, can’t see anything, and then pain pain PAIN, but it fades quickly and whoa, there are a lot of pudding cups in here. I like pudding.)
I have some choices to make as I move forward through 2016, and I’m excited to see what comes up. I don’t expect sunshine, and puppies, and unicorn farts (Coop says they smell the best), but I have this sensation that I’m free to walk AROUND the lumps and bumps in life; I can climb OVER the hills; I can run THROUGH the dark valleys; I don’t have to let life live me.
I can live life.
I’m upgrading my operating system; it’s time for a reset.
*bugger may not have been the word I used … I’m still the same foul-mouthed sailor my mother raised. ;)