On falling apart

Sometimes, thanks to my illnesses, I just fall apart. Yesterday was a fall-apart-day, and I spent it feeling sorry for myself.

I’m sick.

I’m tired.

I’m sick and tired.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This is a tiring life.

I don’t always struggle to find the silver lining in those grey clouds, but if the lining were bright orange, or even a beautiful blue, I think it would be easier.

Thankfully, Coop gets me, and though he had to preference something he said to me yesterday with “I don’t want to sound like a dick, but …” and he was right. I burst into ugly sobs when he told me what I needed to do, and my immediate thought was “but you are a dick!” He was right.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling sorry for myself and I went to bed feeling sorry for myself.

Today, I pushed for a different story.

When I woke up earlier than Coop, instead of lazing away in bed, I got up, rolled out my yoga mat, and did some modified sun salutations. I breathed deeply with the intention of opening my heart to a new day and a new mood. I hoped to #choosemymood instead of letting it infect me.

I notice that even as I write this (and sip on mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm my coffee) I’m sitting taller, more alert (could be the coffee) and I generally just feel better.

I chose my mood this morning. I’ll choose my mood again tomorrow.

What mood do you choose?

Domestic Help Needed

I need help.
We have laminate floor in our house (oh how I hate fake plastic wood floors) and the Swiffer Wet is no longer cutting the cleaning need.
I’m looking at steam mops currently, but don’t know
a) is that the best method to really clean my laminate floors?
b) what steam mop is the best one to get?
c) does consulting friends about household appliances make me officially old?
Anyone have any answers, suggestions, ideas, input?

If I could,

I would …

  • sing beautifully in public (I can carry a tune, but my bucket needs polishing)
  • write a love story (it’s in me)
  • teach middle school writing, history, or health full-time
  • perfectly apply liquid eyeliner in a winged eye
  • kiss Justin Timberlake on the cheek
  • wear real red lipstick in public

So what’s stopping me?


What’s stopping you from doing what you want to do?

A Newfound Fascination



Food science.

Food history.

Food preparation.

I’m fascinated by food. I know where the fascination comes from (a piece of writing for another day, though), but this seems to be going deeper.

As I’ve used cooking to heal with this long bout of depression and anxiety, I realized that

  1. I’m a good cook
  2. I enjoy cooking
  3. There is magic involved in cooking

Then I came across Netflix’s series Cooked based on Michael Pollan’s book Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation and my mind was blown. All of these food historians, food scientists, chefs, and foodies come together and share how cooking has shaped humans.

I’m fascinated by the idea that cooking makes us human.

Humans are the only species who cooks food to ease the eating process.


grilled pork loin with apples and cranberries

We’ve figured out that it’s tastier, less time-consuming (and teeth-consuming), and better for our bodies to cook food before chewing it up. We probably stumbled upon an accidentally bar-be-qued warthog in a forest fire and thought it smelled amazing. We probably took a sniff and our mouths watered. We probably took a bite and realized that cooked pork is an amazing taste. We then might have added crab apples, pine needles, and other herbs and realized the taste was enhanced. We probably learned that ginger, pimento, and cumin add flavors and feelings to pork.

We’ve developed hundreds of cooking methods, millions of add-ons to our basic dishes, and recipes we lovingly and routinely pass through generations of cooks.

Cooking has changed the lives of every human on Earth. Cooking is fascinating. Be prepared for more cooking knowledge to appear around here … cooking is my self-care.

What are you fascinated by?


Coop has approved* the shorter hair and the non traditional color. I’m going to do some research to figure out which color looks best on my fair skin and dark blue eyes and then find a skilled stylist to make me over. I’m all-in!

This weekend was a test of my mental health. On Saturday we braved the local ComicCon and we visited the Discovery Science Museum when we realized that ComicCon was too poorly organized for the space it was in (so.many.people.not.enough.room.). The Moo had a blast all day and she didn’t even realize we “skipped” ComicCon because she got to see “two real BatMans” and she got to give “Wubber Woman a five!” I was very pleased that everyone we approached with our costumed pre-schooler was enthusiastic about playing their part.

Coop had a tooth emergency on Sunday morning and so Moo and I had a Girl’s Day — we spent the morning coloring, watching Brave, and using Starfall to learn more about letters and numbers. We got caught in the rain on a walk to the park, and had to run home before getting absolutely soaked. My California family (I’m not originally from this dry place) and I had loud bouts of laughter about the rain.

coffee.jpgAfter an afternoon rest, while I got some quiet time (it’s one of the only things that makes me feel whole) we braved a dinner out where Moo played peek-a-boo with a beautifully ancient man at a table near to us. He smiled through his entire meal and I didn’t care that we sat for a half-hour extra to coax Moo into eating.

A family grocery trip ended at home with fun and hair-sudsing in the bath, and then A Trip to the Zoo before we put Moo to bed. Coop and I rested together quietly before we passed out early.

It was a successful, love-filled, adventuring-based weekend and although I’m so tired this Monday I could cry, that’s what coffee’s for.


*approved as in the sense he didn’t freak and exclaim “NO!” immediately